Princesses need a castle, right?

Of course, I wish when I said "Castle" I meant someone like "Rick Castle" i.e. Nathan Fillion. But no, in this case I mean a place to actually live. I've finally got an apartment that I might actually be accepted into. I'll admit being turned down for the first few apartments put a HUGE stopper to my momentum. I feel badly that I didn't even really try other than looking online unless my roommate guilted me into it pretty heavily. I'm really not a fan of calling people if I can help it. So now, I have to decide if I really actually want to move into this apartment. I don't hate it, but I don't love it. I don't know. My plan is to sleep on it. I'm kind of worried that this will be my only chance though. I don't want to be stuck somewhere and be unhappy, but that's kind of how I was about Brentwood before too. And Brentwood was fine. I learned to be okay with it. So I guess I can learn to be okay with this place. I like that it's kinda big. It's lame, but it means my cats will have lots of room to run around. I also hope that they will be okay there... and that it won't be too restrictive having them around. It already means I can't have the doors open to get a breeze, but if I can open the windows, that will be good. Yes. I worry way too much about my cats. It's silly, but whatever. I am also fairly certain I'm using my cats as an excuse to pay more for the bigger place. The small place was nice, but it was SMALL. I guess that's just where my princess-y-ness comes into play. The price difference isn't really that much... but the space difference is big. Another problem is the electrical bill. In winter, there will be more space to heat up, which will raise the bill. I'm hoping that I won't have to run the heat hardly at all, but I won't want it to be freezing, because, again, I don't want my cats to suffer. I'll have to find a happy-medium.
To be honest, my biggest biggest biggest concern is that I'll move in, start paying rent... and then run out of money. And then have to call my Mom for more money. She's already helping me with the up-front deposit. If I had been smart with my money, I wouldn't have needed help. But instead, I spent oodles of dollars on MH dolls. Of course. I wish I had more self-control when it comes to buying stuff. It's stupid that I spend money on things I promptly shove into storage containers so that my roommate doesn't see them. Of course, if I live by myself, I can display dolls all I want. Or at least put them on shelves in the closet so I can hide them from my cats. I just hope I don't go too hermit-y. I'm already pretty hermit-y, and don't like to do stuff... so we'll see. I mean, I am introverted and like alone time, but being alone all the time...? It will be different.
Goodnight~

Ughablah

So not happy today. I'm just glad I made it through work. I don't necessarily LIKE this job. It's getting harder and harder to like this job. I really hate the feeling of panic that comes when I'm about to push the "ready" button to start taking phone calls. I also hate the feeling of panic when the phone beeps to say there's a customer on the line. And then it spirals downward if the person sounds angry/irritated/unhappy. I understand not everyone will be pleasant. I don't like it either when I have to call in because something isn't working. I'm hoping that once I get better at troubleshooting, I won't have quite so much panic/stress.
I'm also having a hard time finding a place to live that isn't my best friend's couch. Her apartment doesn't have AC, so it's always really hot in the evening. But, worse than that, she's starting to get a little worried that I'm not going to leave. If I could find a place that would accept cats, I'd be out. Except now, I'm also starting to get low on funds. It's entirely my fault. I have ZERO self control, which depresses me. I see something in a store I want and 9 times out of 10 I buy it. And as for that 1 time out of 10, 9 times out of 10 after that I go back to the store and just buy it another day. I know it's related to feeling unhappy with my life and then feeling happy when I get stuff I want. It's just not helping me get an apartment. I'm about ready to settle for an apartment that doesn't allow pets and then try and sneak my cats in there. I'm seriously fine with paying the pet deposit (assuming I can afford it), but there's like 2 places that accept pets when I check the listings. And even then, there might not be 2. It's very frustrating. Especially when I miss my cats (which is silly, but true), and would really really really not like to live too much longer without them around. I know I got them to help with depression. And they really honestly did help. It doesn't really help my mood that I had a kind of stressful weekend. Well, more tiring than stressful. I drove home to go to my brother's mission farewell. I won't see him for 2 years. I'm just really grateful we got to spend a few months getting along and being buddies over the summer.
My 25th birthday is coming up. Yep. 25. Yep. I feel so pathetic all the time. I'm 25 and I haven't accomplished ANYTHING with my life. I've barely set any goals and accomplished even less of them. I waste all my time online wishing I could do stuff or be good at stuff. And when I do get up enough oomph to try stuff, I'm terrible at it.
I really need to go to the gym. But I really don't want to. I really just want to go to bed. But it's way too hot. :(
Goodnight~

Lame? Why yes, I am.

I hate how I interact with people if said interaction lasts more than say... twenty minutes. Like at work, I now feel vaguely comfortable around people, so now I'm more prone to saying things I immediately regret. Or things that I think are funny, but clearly I'm all alone in that regard. I really want to be the introvert, but then I feel like people will judge me as snooty, so then I feel like I have to at least say something, but then all that comes out is something super smart-alecky or stupid. Or both. Or condescending. I'm known for that too. I guess once it isn't a classroom setting it will be vaguely better.
In other news, I still can't sleep. Well, at least not well. My roommate left on her vacation, meaning I now get the fan, which is nice, but now I'm prone to all sorts of paranoia that someone will break in and I'll be the only person here. I am less comfortable having windows and doors open, which makes the apartment really really hot. Today the temperature reached around 100 degrees outside. Instead of sitting in the apartment roasting, I went to Walmart for 3 hours. After going to the bank. So I at least accomplished one good thing. And then promptly followed it with something I really shouldn't have done. (i.e. spend LOTS of money at Walmart.) I calculated it out, and if I do get the apartment I want, I'll have enough money that today won't be a problem, but that's only if I get the apartment. I was going to call the lady today, but then my crippling fear of bothering people intervened. I'll need to call her tomorrow though. I don't want her to rent it out to someone else before I even get to see it...
Also didn't join a gym today, and did the exact opposite of working out: I sat on the bed, watched tv, and ate copious amounts of pizza, ice cream, and soda. It was soooo good, except for the whole stomachache and discomfort I'm feeling now. Of course I hope I learned my lesson, but we all know that's not how it works.
Goodnight~

Sleeeeeeeeeeep

Hoping I sleep better tonight than the last two days. So if this post is short and incoherent, that's why. Also, I know that I need to save money and blah-dee-blah, but I'm joining a gym. I'm fat and overweight and out of shape. Also, I sit too much at work. I've really missed working out on an elliptical somehow. And running on a treadmill. It's weird. But I also feel like it will really really really help my stress levels. They're pretty up there because of money and new life and missing my cats and all that good junk, and I feel like a good exercise session will help that. It usually does, which is pretty awesome. In other news, I'm trying to decide what I'm doing tomorrow. Do I go to church and socialize (a prospect that terrifies me. I'm unreasonably afraid of meeting new people. They'll pay attention to me. It's terrible.), or do I do what I've been doing most Sundays and sleeping in/shopping? I shouldn't shop on Sunday. But it's what I usually do when I'm supposed to be at church. And I have a list of things that are completely not necessary but I want. And if I go shopping by myself, I'll spend more money on things I want that I don't need. Yep. Not helping my cause here. If I'm really lucky, I'll sleep in to a decent 8 am. Or longer.
Goodnight~

See? 2 Days.

I still made it back, but I missed a few days. Oh well. I am afraid I just got a bomb dropped on me. Unfortunately, I knew the bomb was coming. My awesome friend who is letting me stay on her couch just pretty solidly declined moving out of her current locale and into a shared apartment with me. I should really not be surprised, but I really really really don't want to live on her couch for a month. If she moved with me, I could afford moving out in two weeks, but on my own, it will take some more time. I already really miss my cats. I know it's dumb, but I do. I also feel bad about mooching off her living space for even longer. Two weeks is already sort of pushing it. I'm sort of considering making a huge mistake and getting a paycheck advancement or something. Theoretically I'll be able to pay it back quickly because I'll be getting a lot more paychecks with way more money, but I don't want to go into even more self-induced debt. Of course, another option is to call my mom and ask for help, but at the moment I'm sure I can't do that without crying (heck, I can't even type it), which will make her feel like this was all a huge mistake. I'm not 100% convinced that it wasn't. I sort of wanted to not live by myself because I'm worried I'll get irreversibly depressed if I do. But that seems to be my only option now. I'm also still in "spend money" mode sort of. I haven't bought more groceries except a gallon of milk, but I went out to eat yesterday because it was a holiday. Not a terrible excuse, but it's way way too easy to come up with excuses. I need to compile a list of needs and wants to see if it will get it out of my system. I also need to get paid. Like a lot. And very soon.
Also, why don't apartments allow pets? Seriously, it's two cats. They won't hurt anything. And if they do, that's what the pet deposit is for.
Goodnight~

Survival

Well, I made it to day two. Woot! I'm starting to feel like I can really do this whole 'independence' thing. I went grocery shopping and only bought food I knew I'd eat. I didn't even get junk food, though the ice cream isle was shouting my name. I'm hoping I can make it to payday without needing to gas up the van my parents kindly gave me. I'm still in Princess mode though. I keep thinking of things that I'd like to do. Like join a gym. And go through a car wash. Or get a haircut. I get paid from my other job this Friday, and that's when I'll be able to gas up, at least halfway.  But I'm including that in necessities. Luckily, work isn't far at all, and my roommate/best friend usually likes to drive the one mile, mostly because her car has air conditioning. (If it weren't at 6:30 am, I'd more strongly consider just walking to work.) Another task still on the list is apartment hunting. As always, the internet is being extremely unhelpful in this regard, meaning we'll have to resort to driving around and looking. I would really like to find a place that's still close to work, but not right next to the train tracks. I'm a light sleeper, and listening to trains go by at 3 am doesn't help me wake up at 5:30 feeling refreshed. It was probably not smart, but I did take a nap at 6 pm today. It wasn't entirely intentional either. I was interneting, and then my roommate was waking me up so I could eat a cookie. Not too terrible, and it was nice of her to not let me sleep too long, since that would really mess up my sleeping schedule tonight. I'm starting to kind of wake up a little now, which is a problem, since it's really bedtime. Once it gets quiet and dark, I should fall asleep easily. I hope. There's a lot of white noise mixed in with the train noises, and I haven't really decided if that's a good thing or not. But, hopefully, I'll only have to endure it for two weeks. Hopefully.
Goodnight~

No Longer a Princess

I'm no longer a princess. I'm not chasing a prince, but I have managed to dig my way out of my cat-cave. (I'll miss Chester and Emmett for two weeks :( ) I finally decided at age 24 that maybe I should work on being a little independent. I am pitifully unprepared, I have only oatmeal, slim-fast, and diet Dr. Pepper for food. I luckily have all my necessary toiletries and then some. I have clothing, a job, and a friend's couch. I'll have to cook all my own food, do all my own laundry, and most importantly, pay for everything. I've never paid for everything before. Already, I feel like I need to go do things that aren't really crucial, but would be nice, like go through a car wash. I hope it doesn't take me long to figure out that going through a car wash could put something else in jeopardy, like buying bread. I'll have to learn to actually budget. If I'm being perfectly honest, the desire to learn budgeting is one of the bigger factors behind my decision to suddenly move out. And really, it was VERY sudden. Less than a week to make a huge life change. I am really lucky though, because if this whole thing flops, I'll still have a cat-cave waiting for me. If everything goes well, I can find a place to live that isn't my friend's couch and start working on building some savings. Or at least live comfortably. I really don't want to live in Pocatello, but at the same time, I missed living alone/with my best friend. I liked living in the cat-cave, but there were definitely times when it grated on me. I don't sleep through noise well, and there were plenty of times when I had to ask siblings to be quiet or put a pillow over my head to drown out my dad's music. Again, I'm not a princess anymore, so I'm going to have to learn to deal with being around a person 24/7. I'm a very introverted person, and I happen to like having "me" time when I can do whatever the heck I want without someone being around. Since I'm on my friend's couch, I'll have to save up the "me" time for later. I just hope that I don't get majorly depressed or irritated in the next two weeks. I also hope that it will only be two weeks that I'll be mooching off my friend's couch space, but I'm afraid logic says it will be more like a month. :(
I want to get into a routine of writing daily, even if it's for like two minutes. Usually my attempts to make anything into a routine last about two days. Or so.
Goodnight~